There are many things that still cause a lot of turmoil in my chest. But one of my New Year’s resolutions was to choose positivity and happiness over negativity. I am a firm believer in the fact that happiness can be brought upon oneself; I’ve had experience with this – even in my loneliest and most stressful moment (college application season), I was able to love myself and give myself happiness. Where did that girl go? I was so happy when I embraced her.
I cared less in general then. I guess I had less to lose. That was (or IS) my problem. I care about things so much more now. Generally, I got a lot of the things that I wanted, but I have all this anxiety, stress, and frustration. I have since decided to let go. To put the attention on myself rather than others and their perception of me. But there are two unexpected obstacles in my way, one considerably bigger than the other.
I’ll start with the lesser of the obstacles: my ex-boyfriend. I guess he’s not really an obstacle that I can’t conquer. If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that I’m strong enough. I guess what was unexpected was how much I am affected by his absence, and how seeing him spend time with other pretty girls bothers me. But this is what needed to happen. And I’m actually glad that it happened this quickly. Rip off the bandaid and all that. I realized that I was blinded when I was in the relationship. I saw the best in him and refused to believe the worst. But now I observe him from afar and realize what kind of person he really is. This breakup is a good thing for me; it’s what I wanted. I will move on to bigger and better things. I truly believe that. He will probably be someone I haven’t even met yet (and I know I have more people to meet; I’ve only spent a mere 3 months in Boston after all (and I was in a relationship most of those 3 months). He will be an unexpected, pleasant surprise.
I’m a firm believer in the notion that “when a thing disturbs the peace of your heart, give it up.” “Thing” can mean a person. A “friend.” I have one such friend. Honestly, she has stressed me out for so long now, and I still don’t know how to resolve this issue. We started out the semester as basically best friends. But then I got to know her personality, and it’s the type of personality that demands that other people be pushovers. I am not a pushover. I have been a pushover when I wanted to get others to like me. But by nature I am far from a pushover. My issue in the beginning was that my group of best friends all seemed to like her and hung around her still, so I tried to ignore my negative feelings toward her. I didn’t want to lose my other friends, so I pretended to be okay with her. Still, I would make subtle efforts to hang out without her. More than once, she would manage to tag along when I’ve made plans with other people. And it’s hard for me to say no to her tagging along because 1) I don’t want her to hate me, causing my other friends to hate me and 2) I don’t want my other friends who like her to think I’m mean or something. It’s just that we are in so many of the same circles. We are both executives in the same organization. We have a lot of mutual friends. I feel like it’s impossible to be rid of her completely because I always have to see her. I might as well be civil toward her right?
It just bothers me to be around her lol. And I don’t know how to deal with it. I feel like I’m the one who has to make all the personal sacrifices (reluctantly letting her tag along when I make plans with someone, especially if I’m crucial to the plans; for example, once I was the only person who would be able to get us in to a certain party, and I did NOT want her coming, but I didn’t know how to say no. So I felt used. She always makes me feel used, and I despise this feeling), and I hate it.
It’s not like she’s an evil person or anything. Like, I’m sure she’s kindhearted enough. I just don’t like her personality. She can be extremely selfish and manipulative. It annoys me to be around her. I always feel like I’m the only person giving, and all she does is take. I hate feeling like I’m being taken advantage of. I don’t think I deserve to have to put up with this. Some of my closest friends recently told me that they felt the same way about her. So that’s good, I guess. But our mutual friends don’t just extend to my closest friends. Most of my friends are also friends with her (not sure if they also secretly don’t like her).
I just can’t come up with any solutions. I’ve already started to ignore her, and we haven’t talked in a while. But a few days ago, she managed to tag along again when I made plans with someone else (not one of the close friends who also dislike her). Of course, the friend was the one who let me know, not her. That just annoys me so much. I feel like my only choice is to continue being civil and acting like I don’t come very close to hating her.
This is my biggest obstacle. I need some advice, honestly. If any of you who regularly read my blog have any insight to offer, or have had a similar experience, please talk to me! I would really appreciate some advice on this. Thanks in advance :)