I am never going to have sex.
So I had a dream that I was having sex last night. It wasn’t graphic or anything, lol. Well, actually it kind of was. Not going to go into detail about it, though. It was only after it (the sex) was finished that I realized that the guy (some random guy I conjured up in my dream, he looked like a rapist) wasn’t wearing a condom. I wasn’t having safe sex. In my dream state (although it felt extremely real), I wondered why I wasn’t having protected sex, why I was having sex in the first place. It just seemed so unlike me. I’m responsible, I’m always overly prepared for everything, I’m somewhat of a feminist (guys can do shit with their bodies without worrying about things like pregnancy, while females can’t).
I suddenly became really worried, so I asked the guy if he had AIDS (I’m kind of blunt in moments of anxiety; no time to play games).
“No, but I have HIV.” As if HIV and AIDS were two completely separate diseases, as if one was less threatening or fatal than the other.
What is the difference?! Both are a death sentence. (Basically. Although I’m aware that there are HIV-positive people living normal lives, but I would prefer not to be HIV-positive. I would prefer not to have a shitty immune system and die decades earlier than I’m supposed to. I would prefer not to spend millions on colorful pills. I may as well be dead.)
Suddenly, I was infuriated. By this man standing in front of me who engaged in sexual activity with me knowing he had a sexually transmitted virus. Who was so careless and thoughtless that he didn’t even think to wear a condom. Who had no regard whatsoever for the well-being of others.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “Just wash yourself right now. Especially the outside. It should be fine.”
What the fuck? The outside? If it was the outside that mattered, people wouldn’t be dying from AIDS all over the world right this moment.
Obviously this man was delusional. I might as well be speaking to a dead horse (he was dying, anyway).
I was terrified. I was hyperventilating. My mother came in (I have no idea why she was there) and asked me what was wrong. I was panicking. What was I going to tell her? That she was about to go bankrupt? That her only daughter had disobeyed her and not only had premarital sex, but had premarital sex with a stupid, reckless, diseased man I didn’t even like. The sex wasn’t even that good.
It was then that I snapped out of my dream. I woke up in my dorm bed. The first thoughts that entered my mind were, I haven’t had sex, I haven’t had sex. I don’t have HIV. I’m safe.
Two seconds later, I’m never going to have sex.
Who can I trust? How do I know these men aren’t walking around with HIV? Even if I wait until marriage, how do I know my husband isn’t walking around with HIV. It’s just so stupid. Is sex worth dying for?
My mom is right. I should probably listen to her for my own safety. The other day, I told her that I wanted to lose my virginity before marriage. She was mortified, of course, and even threatened to not send me off to Boston for college. After reading half of Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar, I could relate to a lot of what Esther Greenwood was talking about. It just seemed so unfair, that all guys either have premarital sex or want to have premarital sex. And girls are expected to remain “pure” for their husbands. At least that was the expectation of young women in the 1950s, when the story took place. But that’s also what’s expected of me now by my family.
But I just think that it’s impossible for me to find a good husband who is also “pure.” There are no guys like that, at least not in America. Even the supposed Christian guys who act pious are off secretly doing drugs and smoking without their parents knowing.
So I might as well not be “pure” either. At least it would be fair that way.
My mom got really mad when I said that, lol. She said that girls who have sex before marriage are hurting themselves. Why would I want to hurt myself just to seek some sort of justice? There are all sorts of risks, like STDs and pregnancy. And no contraception is 100%. Even women who tie their tubes have stillbirths, which is even worse on their bodies. Not to mention birth control pills have side effects. Why can’t men eat birth control pills, pills that kill their sperm? They should be the ones experiencing the fucking side effects.
The truth is, men and women will never be equal, at least not sexually. We weren’t built equal. Women, like it or not, are baby factories (it makes me mad just to think about it. It makes me want to go on strike and never have a baby. It would spare me the pain, anyway). We have to protect ourselves. Men and women can be equal when it comes to rights and intelligence. But biologically? Who are we trying to fool?
My mom assures me that there are men out there who respect women and choose to abstain from sex until marriage. They’re virgins, but not because they have no other choice. I’m just worried because what if they lie to me? What if they say they’re a virgin but really aren’t? Going back to that whole unfair thing….
I don’t know. I think I just have to wait and see what happens next in my life and not worry too much about whether someone has had sex.
Life is just too difficult. I really don’t want to lower my standards.